last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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