Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
