My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
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We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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