I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
