i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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