I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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