I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
no, he came in my armpit
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
