A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
