Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
