Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
