i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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