last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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