Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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