My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
