Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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