Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
operation have a gay friend backfired
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
