I think my fart just growled at me.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Be still, my beating vagina.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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