I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Alive.
So much puke
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
