Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
