I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
