Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just sent this text using only my big toe
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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