I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
