Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
