Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
