dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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