I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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