Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
