i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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