god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
