No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
