please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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