Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
