You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
