Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
