I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
