Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
