I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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