He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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