Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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