If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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