From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
