you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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