This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
