The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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