I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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