I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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