You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
