I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
