Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
