my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Randomize
