Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
