I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
