How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
