I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just invented taco cereal.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
