hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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