I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
