You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
