I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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