The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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